19th October 2010 . It's the day before her birthday and my first celebration with her . Just a simple one . As an asshole I am , I don't plan on ahead resulting in no surprises , no romantic candle light dinner , no picnic under the watch of constellations , no balloons , no fireworks and nothing special . Just me and my typical gift to her . Something I chose from one of her favorite fashion brands . Personally , I think they'll suit her just fine . I was desperately trying to please her before her big day , on the final few hours before the needles hit 12 , suggesting places that I roughly thinks that she likes instead she suggested to go for a drink . So , we went for 3 pines of KilKenny in a bar . As usual , we conversed on random stuffs exchanging thoughts and of all random topics we chose to talk about sanitary pads . We laughed and smiled on our different silly point of views . 30% of the time we were chatting , giggling and the other 70% filling our spaces with silence while enjoying our drinks . Maybe we were just killing time with our "Thoughtless stare" . As it lasted till exactly 12 , I hugged and wished her "Happy Birthday!" . Deep down I was hoping that I'm the first to actually wished her on 12 sharp . You might ask , "Why?" . Well , it's just one my childish habit to a certain someone I adore . We stayed for a little while more and made our move back home . As we reached her house , she insisted of staying a little longer . She told me that she was pissed off with my reluctance of taking the initiative to solidly ask her out . I told her that I do not want to ruin her plans with her friends that might also celebrate with her on the same night . I told her that I am not willing and do not want to be her burden . Then , comfort came as she confidently told me that I wasn't her burden , that she has already allocate parts of her time for me . I joked that I will improve the celebration of her birthday next year . In a soft tone , she asked , "Will we last that long?" . I tried to pretend that I didn't heard it but I realize that it's useless , she has a point . I agreed with her and insisted that I will still improve the celebration IF we would've last that long . I'll let time decide . Despite what will happen in the future that will always remain a secret to all of us , I told her that I'll never forget her . She does not look too convinced as she said "You've told every other girls you've been with, the same thing." . I could just answer "No, I didn't." . No answers will be strong enough to make her believe so I'd just kill the effort . Inside , I told myself that a memorable relationship is not determined by how long will it last rather it's how you've spent those time together even if it lasted only for a week and what both parties underwent together that makes the said relationship worth it and regret-less . Happy birthday , girlfriend !
#5 - At times , but does it really matter ?
She can be dead cold or loving warm at times . A very funny feeling indeed . I am amazed that I am actually enjoying this feeling , the feeling of getting mind-fucked upside down , inside out . It keeps my slow pea-sized brain working by making me wonder all the time . I took her advise of not thinking too much , in fact , I made it into one of my few personalities further enhancing my existing mindset of "Going with the flow" or some refers to it as the "Fuck first , think later" rule . After all , there's only that much of time we can kill . Must well use them to the fullest . Thinking too far ahead will just result in a waste of time . Time will surely help you through but it doesn't have the time , to answer your never-ending "Why?" , not ? I believe that a little mysterious behavior from both parties wouldn't murder the relationship . Most of them calls it the "Spices of true love" . I say , true love waits in haunted attics and lives on lollipops and crisps . Thank you , Thom .
#4 - Together time .
Days go by , I'm starting to feel comfortable . We smile and laugh together more often now . We do what every other couple would do , catching a movie once in a while , window shopping , having lunch , having dinner , her dropping me off for a game of futsal with the boys , drinking , playing on the swing , looking for a public toilet at 3 in the morning , me getting drunk and her cleaning up my mess and lots of other fun activities together . Maybe other couples will prefer using their own toilet instead but all and all , I enjoy myself very much . Enjoying every moment together with her . Duh . I am confessing now . I gotta admit that I love getting drunk together because we wouldn't know what we're up to , we wouldn't know what's going on , we wouldn't know what we're talking about but I certainly know that the hands I am holding on to are hers . She never fails in making me smile everytime I open my eyes for a peek at her when I'm wasted . Seems like the world is ours . I also have to admit that I have this habit of staring at her when she's not looking . Weird you'll say , but who gives a shit what you think ? I don't need your opinion .
#3 - Drowning beliefs .
We chatted online (it's been awhile) , talking about random stuffs , at this point , I am pretty convinced that she's not convinced that I am serious about her . I am pretty convinced too that she thinks that I'm just fooling around being a typical asshole . She commented on our relationship saying that we started too fast , too quick and that we skipped the friendship phase of a relationship . I can actually sense the vague hope inside of her . She asked me whether I would regret , whether I am certain . Well , I can say whatever I want , whatever you hear in movies , whatever you read in novels but I just gave my best answer , a simple "No." . I told her that my biggest regret would be failing without even trying . That's the whole reason why the famous question , "Would you give me a chance?" was thrown at her in the first place . Well , I don't blame her . After all , what do you expect from someone that talks to you occasionally , hangs out with you rarely and laughs with you only once in a blue moon but still manage to catch each and every inch of your attention ? Instead of acting like a fucking psychic and getting demotivated by my own dumb mind-reading of her thoughts , I am actually hyped up to proof to her that I , at least worth a pinch of her memories . A pinch will be sufficient for the time being . Just give me more time and I'll produce more of that small tiny little pinches . I can't promise her that I'll succeed but I can make sure she'll receive my best effort . This is my promise .
#2 - Our first Sunday .
After #1 , any normal , sober , conscious , down-to-earth human being would have thought that I scored that night and probably thinks that I'm just another show-off trying to express my dim-witted experience . I would not blame you . Uncertainty clouded my mind the day after and then I decided to text her . Reason being ? I miss her . I miss her smile , I miss the way she whispers to me , I miss her stare of ridicule given to me when I say something lame and last but not least , I didn't fucking took that night as a one night stand as how most of you would describe it . Or maybe we literally did stand for the whole night . So she replied . She agreed to go out for a drink . I felt like I just came out of a human workshop . I am repaired . Repaired from the despair to just simply tell her that she attracts me and I like her . So we went . There's one screwed up part of our conversation where she told me that she would've pretend that nothing really happened if it wasn't for my text . What a relief . I smirked to cover up my fear while picturing on her statement . Maybe a fear of losing her that quick ? It was like a dream sitting in front of her knowing that , of all people , she gave me that one chance ? Besides that , everything went well on our first so called "date" ? Held her hand and walked back to the car , after . That was the best 2 minutes walk so far . How I wish my car could transform into an Autobot and hide itself until given the orders to return , then we'll have a longer walk together . Back to reality , we got back home . With all that , still uncertainty just wouldn't drown no matter how freaking hard I tried to murder it . A Sunday well spent I would say . Looking forward to see her again .
#1 - That one night .
18th July 2010 . For a moment back then , I thought I was dreaming . They laughed , they teased , but I couldn't be bothered . They took it as a joke , I took it as an ecstasy . I do not know how she felt but I am certain that I am for real . No matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings , no matter how hard I tried to pull myself back , hoping I won't do anything typically dumb . I failed . My wish to hold her by her hands and just kiss her on the lips all these while oozed out just like that , transforming into a solid reality . How can I ever forget the trance she pushed me into ?
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